|Sunday, October 4th, 2009|
|I feel raw
Im hurting and feeling really vulnerable and Michael hasnt taken advantage of that so it naturally breeds trust. I feeling the bond divulge my deepest hurt and am met with complete indifference. Its things like this that make me wonder will he be able to be with me through the long haul. I want him so badly Im craving his baby currently but I just dont know. I want him to love me the way I need him to love me I know he does butsometimes its not enough. Maybe I need therapy I probably do actually there is trauma and hurt in this heart of mine that causes some nasty baggage. He told me about him meeting up with some girl its good that he tells me but makes me wonder none the less. Im such a pot kettle I would go out with tons of different people and not say a word and sometimes its even a bit iffy. On the most part though Im good no matter what happens my heart is his. Arturo was funny when he told me Rosey and him were dating like Id be hurt that I couldnt have him I am way more upset about Rosey Arturo even if I was free would not be the one at all. He has the money and house but lives like a teenager not to mention hes just not that academically inclined. I want someone to practice my spanish with though and Im not using the girls. I know he got those thoughts in his head when I told him I thought Rosey was cute gross mental image of them together ewwwww.
Michael and I would make a way better porn as long as I directed it of course! Random thought how cool would musical porn be Id be all over that!!!!
|Thursday, April 2nd, 2009|
|Tuesday, November 18th, 2008|
I just reread the last thing I wrote and it makes sense and then somehow I ended making the best out of things I guess. We talked about it the next day and I felt better because I then felt validated as something. Either way that is neither here nor there. I apparently am ill equipped for flings. Really havent had a true fling since I was a teenager. This whole thing was very movie like though at least in my head and its sad that I wont have a good night darling text before I go to bed. I was trying to find the purpose in all this and Carla found it that I could really feel again I didnt realize how emotionally empty I had become since Richie left. She brought me back and even though I miss her and may or may not see her in April this moment in time meant something. This morning though I woke up and realized how much I need to get my life in order though Ive made big steps since Richie but there is still more to be done. The only thing preventing me from being exactly where I want to be is me. I am making the list and it will get done.
On a lighter note Thanksgiving is fast approaching and Im not sure what I want to do with myself. The more adult conversations I have with my Dad I realize that he is not able to deal with my voice so unless I want to be the child an argument while trapped in acar is sure to happen. Or could be okay sometimes it looks a little better. I have no idea what thanksgiving would be about I dont want to deal with pamela though alone.
My mom is having t day at her house plus side is that its the only traditional turkey day that I have downside is dealing with being stranded for extended periods of time at my moms house with family. She is becoming more needy than ever I wish that she would get a friend or hobby or any sort of sense of self and belonging.
My aunts t day would feel like Im an intruder its her s and m friends carla, miles and friends.
argh I also have a booty call offer thats not going to happen but I could get a ride out of but I dont particularly want that either.
Ill be in sr friday with carla and we will see. Christmas Im bringing my car .
|Wednesday, November 12th, 2008|
|I feel so duped
Here I sit while shes away sleeping in my bed. She asked me the question I didnt want to ask her "how many people Ive seen since Ive been seeing her?" My answer was the one date I had already scheduled from before we met. Technically I have not and will not tell her about the Richie thing so maybe Im more at fault afterall. So I asked the question that I wasnt capable of hearing the answer to. A large part of me wanted to scream shout and slap her but then I realized A she is on "holiday" and B we never said anything. The worst part is I picked her up at midnight because she wanted to comeover and now Im up wide awake stuck with thoughts and images I never wanted to see. Argh! I feel stupid but now in a way happy that I hurt her the other day. She asked if I was ok and I lied. Im angry and fin hurt. I never expected this to be forever just for the short while here while your fin me dont f others. I feel like I should go get tested asap after I drop her ass off tomorrow. This for the record behaved more like dating than a f buddy. We had times where we would just sleep and all the inimate things that just dont happen in a hookup. We spent days together just being. I feel like this is attacking the thoughts in my brain and consuming them all until all thats left is the unending caralarm of garbage. I must sleep and kick the beast out tomorrow!
|Monday, November 10th, 2008|
Feeling bad about last nights mishap but to my credit both Jo and I were both intoxicated. Anywho felt like I should be honest and told Richie about Jo not like it really matters as she is gone Monday. Although she may get a talk show on Wednesday and get to stay. Actually it probably takes at least six months before it gets rolling. Im sleepy its off to bed for me
|Thursday, November 6th, 2008|
I havent felt this angsty since high school. The idea of her leaving and being with other people tears at my head. I put it out of my head but every once in awhile it hits when I catch her looking at me. In february shes visiting again so thats something. Realistically
she is very popular amongst the ladies and this is one crazy moment in time. Argh. I hate feeling so highschool retarded. I know its just natural hormones and natural infatuation stage in a relationship but this is ridiculous.
|Tuesday, November 4th, 2008|
|Been a long time.... Twitterpatted Hardcore again with a time limit
Im riding on a natural dopamine high and feel like I just going to pop! Beautiful,intelligent, scottish and wealthy beyond belief. I want to move to Scotland! In two weeks the bubble pops and she goes back to Scotland. She wants to take me shopping I feel like a queen. Oh and seriously the best sex Ive had in a while. Damn month long holiday! In a year and a half she moves here I guess Im investing in future relations.
|Tuesday, October 14th, 2008|
|Trader joes antics and My Monster Is better than your Panda
Weird day finally got my period no chance of being pregnant but it was still disconcerting to go months without it. Carla had double car trouble needed to go get gas in th gas can and then proceed to jump her dead battery. That made me feel pretty independent to have the can and jumper cables and not be have to be that girl. Later we went to our favorite Trader Joes where we always see the same guy who leaves us in stitches for the longest we were unsure who he liked but today we found out it was Carla. We previously went to to see his band once too hes a cool guy. Well today he comes up to us and asked us what we were doing today and Carla responds with thAppe fact that I have a date and she is helping a friend. He jokes that whatever I do I should keep my clothes on Carla then informs him that as its my time of the month that should be no problem. Later as he comes by he informs us that he is taking Carla out on a date but he will put out but doesnt have too. I inform him that the only way to do that is to put out on her but dont worry she really likes that to which Carla skulks off beet red and i am crying with laughter and he looks stunned. It is fine though because before we left he saw us off.
Tonight after my date I will never look at madagascar the movie the same again. I went on a date with one of the animators of dreamworks who was nice wealthy attractive but soooooo boring. Apparently I mase the mistake of confusing a lot of Pixar movies with dreamworks ones which didnt win me any points for sure. But for the record I enjoy movies like monsters inc and toy story over kung fu panda madagascar and shrek any day. It was significant because it was my first official date since Richie and the first time Ive seen anyone order in over 100 dollars worth of sushi. We watched a rather cynical about marriage movie with pierce brosnan and rachel mcadams that he netflixed and he talked about and to his dog a lot. But on the positive side he does get to go to all the premiers of Dreamworks films as in the premiers of madagascar 2 most recently. Ok off to the land of nod
|Sunday, October 12th, 2008|
Im feeling like all the areas of my life are out of whack. Work was ok but now I really need a second job but I really dont want to work in an office again. I just want to do something I love and get paid for it. Im also feeling really. Its as if I just woke up looked around and realized Im not sure where all my friends went. My schedule is also really off tuesday is my only consistent night off. Well on the optimistic side of things Im acing my classes so far still losing weight opening myself to the idea of dating and talking to different people. Though I still havent been on a proper date as of yet. Its hard though its been 6 months already but I still really miss Richie. I keep have these haunting dreams too where I am awoken by him coming back in the midst of a date or whatever. Its always the same though because then he says hes back but for only 3 weeks then he has to go and my emotions go through it all again.
|Friday, September 26th, 2008|
|Somehow it feels like I am just waking up to the life I possess
Lately Ive been having these what the hell have been doing or done moments. Then more I work on tearing the compartmental pieces down the scarier it becomes. In the process of taking all these psychology classes I'm getting realer and realer with myself. Then again maybe its the 2 plus months of celibacy. Yesterday though I realized just how compartmentalized Ive become while I was trying to rationalize it to Carla. Roommates family keep you honest sometimes. Today I have to make a phone call and look like a fool but at least it will be what is right. On other news I think I may have date this week that's kind of exciting. I really haven't dated since Richie so we will see.
|Saturday, September 13th, 2008|
Just soo tired. With the ending of my day job I thought that I might have more time but instead I have less. In trying to keep up the second job which is now the first I am all over the place. I am very aware of every muscle in my legs and I am exhausted. School has started and I really enjoy most of my classes and am pleased with the switching of my major to psychology. Though I so still wish to work with kids. Socially though with my works crazy schedule and exhausting capabilities Im just feeling lonely. Well I feel lonely when its the few qiet times or car rides. I still really miss Richie. Strangely enough too is that lately I fantasixe mostly about kissing and just the intimacy things. I havent had sex in 2 months and the idea of just having my hand held means just so much more. Really though I just wish I had Richie back. off to bed.
|Wednesday, August 20th, 2008|
Im soo excited over my bed. Its not just a bed its all those hours at the second job, its something that has never been owned before, My first new bed that I bought as an adult, Its a grown up bed not ikea, and most of all it has zero memories attached to it. Its a cherrywood queen sleighbed and pretty too. I need to buy new bedding too but Im soo cleaned out now back to poor. This weekend Im going on a singles camping trip with carla I dont know what to think but if I can get at least one fulfilling kiss out of the deal that would be nice. And for memorial day weeken my moms coming up. Ive never had my mom stay wih me before its so odd. It could be ok or really scary hard. Im pushing for ok.
|Sunday, June 22nd, 2008|
|Why do I do this to myself
Apparently theres not enough drama in my life because Ive created more. I went somewhere I knew I shouldnt have and only ended up hurting my own self. I knew better and yet I wanted to believe it is the classic personality combo ego ambition put in someone who runs. Ive already created a leech that just wont go away and now its the one that i want but cant and shouldnt have. All this with keeping it all in Im a talker and realize how bad all this could crumble. In other news Im exhausted emotionally physically and mentally. My new job involves me basically being a face to face telemarketer on the streets. In the heat wave of over 90 every day I am so drained at the end of the day. I want to vacation from the seemingly unending moving not having any money this unresting unfulfilled life. I know that this is all my creation but I want to start over but im still so attached to how easy it was. There have been some fun times. But many of the easy ones had prices to pay. Currently im nursing a swollen ankle. I need an energizer of some sort.I miss my Richie but all of it is so stiffling at times. Between his family and friends sending him money and all of his stuff its sometimes just too heavy. I was honored before and I really want to do the right thing by him but its so much. Im basically the keeper but its getting to be too much to bear but they depend on me to do it all. I love him but it feels like Im talking to someone beyond the grave and its very painful. There is so much to do but Im tired and I really have no excuse to be. Tons to put away more to clean somemore to move his affairs to put in order emotions to set ok and adjustments to make. Sometimes I feel like i wish I was able to be a machine Im too human and sometimes in all the bad ways. Argh!
|Saturday, April 19th, 2008|
|I feel primal
Im finally starting to feel like I can function but my libido seems to be holding me back. I dont understand what is wrong with me there are people that go years without sex. I thought it would go dormant but it seems to be getting worse. Now its just an irritating reminder that Richies gone. I feel like a fucking perverted teenage boy or girl. I dont feel like I should have to take the time everyday to take care of it
Its only been a month!! I feel like that stupid movie. Even if I was to go out there and get it it wouldnt be fair to the other person and my number would get higher I cant do that. Besides technically Im still in a relationship. argh!!!!!!!!!There has got to be some sort of pill out there this is just ridiculous I need sleep and I have things to do. My human sexuality class is not helping either. I have to write a 10 page term paper on sextoys due in two weeks. On another note my work ends may 2nd and they ended up screwing me over but Im just glad I dont have to deal with their politics in two weeks. I need to find another job but in the meantime I love working at the preschool the minute the kids called me Teacher I was ecstatic!!!!! I have so many plans I dont like how unorganized they are. The kids deserve more. The facility is really nice though and the teachers are nice but a few are clearly burnt out. They have 4 different classrooms prepreschool for 1 and half to 3 depending on level preschool 2-6 ability level and kindergarden which is 4-6. Some teachers have the kids so engaged and you can almost see the synapses occuring. Others though rule with such an iron fist combined with fear and the kids just cry and shut down. On thursday I worked with the preschool class and ended up running it because the teacher had to deal with a boy that was screaming bloody murder after she told him that monsters were going to eat him because he didnt sit down and write his name. Seriously. I was not prepared but i was able to make it work. I let them each lead the class in their favorite song but by the 5th twinkle twinkle and 3rd barney song I led the class in the wheels on the bus. After that I went through the alphabet and asked the kids to name items with each letter i ended up putting them in mini groups so it was like a kid game show the winning group got to pick a song to sing many more barney songs ensued but there was this cute little girl who convinced her group to sing jesus loves me so because the bible says so I think thats what its called complete with a little dance and pantomime I wanted to put her on tv and just put her in my pocket sooo adorable.They even fed me a lunch of korean chicken 4 wings 4 grapes and a spoonful of rice. The number of the day was 4. On the play ground the girls kept picking flowers and bringing them to me and two little boys emphasized that they were going to give me more flowers and then others asked for flowers in the end i ended up only having two flowers. It was amazing and exhausting dealing with owies tears laughter yelling and precious moments all in a 4 hour period.
On another happier note I love working at the preschool kindergarden the minute the kids called me Teacher I was ecstatic!!!!
|Saturday, April 12th, 2008|
|I know everyone moves at their own pace
I think thing like myspace and facebook can be unhealthy at times its like a having a reunion all the time which is good and bad. It makes you really confront where you are in life comparatively which can be good to get your butt moving but in general it makes me just feel like a loser. I know eventually Ill get to that place but I feel so damn far behind argh. Richies sister is visiting him today and I am crazy jealous Ive never been this jealous before and I know its completely irrational but everytime she has talked about it I want to bash her head in. The cooker is tonight is her bday and she wants to go dancing and had me find the perfect place since theres not really dancing in santa clarita too suburby and she also wants to stay over w/ friends since Im way closer.Shes been amazing lately but sometimes her friendship is too much work maybe its because shes 22. I promised all this before she said she was going to visit now i just want to fake illness. Ok time to go get my glasses by the end of the year Ill be surprised if I even resemble this person that was.
|Sunday, April 6th, 2008|
|I am just so tired...
Friday my old boss calls me in their office and offers me front desk position same as I used to be turns out a girl in the back quit. I told her Id get back to her monday. Later this lady calls me into her office and offers me a dollar more an hour to take it. I dont trust this company they are constantly saying one thing then doing another. Are they going to keep me for more than a few months? On wednesday I realized I dont want to work in an office anymore I want to work with kids in some facet or another. I want to work in the field that Im going to get my degree in. But I dont know if I still get my severance pay if I leave now because they offered me a new position. Richie's crazy friend who was nice to me at first decided to use me as an emotional confessional last night which included all of the violent horrific things hes done in his life. I was so freaked out that I was paranoid all last night and found it hard to sleep. The scariest part is the phone cut out toward the end and I never got if he was sorry or not. I got that he felt bad and it weighed on his heart but seriously if you can do somethings you kinda have to wonder if you have the propensity to do them again. The highlight of the day is when I won a scrabble game against my scrabble group I never win they are all pros or so it seems. The low which adds to the stress is when I got my car locked in the garage because it closed at 5 i thought it was 530 so now I have to take a cab to it tomorrow before work. I wish I didnt have to go to work tomorrow but I do. argh!!
|Thursday, April 3rd, 2008|
|Maybe God has a plan
Today I walked a lot I decided everything I needed to do I would walk to if I could so I have no excuses for having a pity party to music in the car. To ensure there would be no pity party I put on makeup that way if I cried there would be a telling mess. I am soo tired I walked until all I could think about was my poor legs and forgot about my aching heart and pysche. My class tonight Im sure just to have the powers that be had a lecture on love the many types the psychological factors chemical and we watched part of an elizbeth taylor movie that made tears well up ( I still had makeup on so I was careful not to let them fall) Tomorrow and next week I need to be soldier strong and smile. Id rather them think Ive gone mad than have their pity they can eat that!
|Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008|
|Either god hates me or this better be one hell of a plan
Just as I was able to stabilize myself and achieve some sense of normalcy at work I get laid off!!!!!!!!!!!! I so dont need this right now. I can survive for about 3 weeks with severence pay and the extra richie left but that money was suppose to be the deposit money for the new apartment. The way they are doing this is really shitty too because they are giving me the severence pay at the end of next week after I cover my old position for a week while the girl I trained originally is moving up in that department. I so want to walk but I need that check the reference and the money period. I left early reached for my phone dialed w/out thinking and I got the inevitable disconnected phone # message. I really would like to know if this is the end of my torment I want to go to a psychic. Tomorrow I get to revamp my resume which I think died w/ my last laptop so Ill need to start from scratch. I keep trying to remind myself of mr aranas story of lillian judds story so I can learn and put my life into perspective. Strangely enough I only recently found out she lives in santa rosa at like 90 or something she was in the pd a couple years back. She was shipped to the concentration camps in which of her family only she survived she married her guard they had two disabled children one of which died in a car accident and she still loves everyone inclusing the nazis. Thats strength now I wish i had just a little of that.
|Friday, March 28th, 2008|
|I feel like a hormonal teenager
Since the day that Richie had to surrender himself Ive been all over the place emotionally. Sometimes I get this out of body experience and wonder who is this Ive become. Yesterday was the first day that seemed relatively normal I really cleaned house got everything done took my car in for the tires and got my toes done then the first wave of loneliness followed by despair followed by utter relaxation. At that moment I felt like I could do anything so I ran a few more chores then Richie calls and I felt really ok. Last night I decided that I was ready to hit the big world with this guy friend of mine so we go play pool drink smoke cigars and share really heartfelt moments then this whole lust thing takes over and I leave because Im apalled at myself for feeling this way over a guy that I respect but do not like nor have I ever besides his girlfriend is so sweet. So I get home feel incredibly guilty for feeling lustful for a guy that I in heart of hearts dont want. Today hits and suddenly Im noticing men and women left and right whats wrong with me? This is just not normal besides I dont even want to have a relationship with anyone. I know the first time Im out there again Ill cry. Really I dont think I could forgive myself for acting on any of these impulses I love Richie and feel I owe it to him to at least wait a year. Well I got home and received a letter and there go the tears again but on the plus side the lust disapeared. Currently I await his call relaxed and composed, but this weekend I have two parties to go to. I was thinking of canceling but I promised the host both times. Though the one tonight will have many a cute gay boy so Im sure ill be fine.
|Saturday, March 15th, 2008|
|When did I begin to the passanger in my own life?
My head is screaming my heart is aching tears are falling yet Im silent
The energy if spoken will bring nothing but barbed words and further pain.
I sit politely a primordial rage seething The hurt too hard to comprehend further compounded by a simple sting that seems to mock my very existence Quietly hopefully I wait for the blood to subside to sleep off the heat
But I cant help wondering what about me? then guilt hits and I censor my inner voice. What happened to my perfect relationship?