Since the day that Richie had to surrender himself Ive been all over the place emotionally. Sometimes I get this out of body experience and wonder who is this Ive become. Yesterday was the first day that seemed relatively normal I really cleaned house got everything done took my car in for the tires and got my toes done then the first wave of loneliness followed by despair followed by utter relaxation. At that moment I felt like I could do anything so I ran a few more chores then Richie calls and I felt really ok. Last night I decided that I was ready to hit the big world with this guy friend of mine so we go play pool drink smoke cigars and share really heartfelt moments then this whole lust thing takes over and I leave because Im apalled at myself for feeling this way over a guy that I respect but do not like nor have I ever besides his girlfriend is so sweet. So I get home feel incredibly guilty for feeling lustful for a guy that I in heart of hearts dont want. Today hits and suddenly Im noticing men and women left and right whats wrong with me? This is just not normal besides I dont even want to have a relationship with anyone. I know the first time Im out there again Ill cry. Really I dont think I could forgive myself for acting on any of these impulses I love Richie and feel I owe it to him to at least wait a year. Well I got home and received a letter and there go the tears again but on the plus side the lust disapeared. Currently I await his call relaxed and composed, but this weekend I have two parties to go to. I was thinking of canceling but I promised the host both times. Though the one tonight will have many a cute gay boy so Im sure ill be fine.