julliette_rose (julliette_rose) wrote,

Why do I do this to myself

Apparently theres not enough drama in my life because Ive created more. I went somewhere I knew I shouldnt have and only ended up hurting my own self. I knew better and yet I wanted to believe it is the classic personality combo ego ambition put in someone who runs. Ive already created a leech that just wont go away and now its the one that i want but cant and shouldnt have. All this with keeping it all in Im a talker and realize how bad all this could crumble. In other news Im exhausted emotionally physically and mentally. My new job involves me basically being a face to face telemarketer on the streets. In the heat wave of over 90 every day I am so drained at the end of the day. I want to vacation from the seemingly unending moving not having any money this unresting unfulfilled life. I know that this is all my creation but I want to start over but im still so attached to how easy it was. There have been some fun times. But many of the easy ones had prices to pay. Currently im nursing a swollen ankle. I need an energizer of some sort.I miss my Richie but all of it is so stiffling at times. Between his family and friends sending him money and all of his stuff its sometimes just too heavy. I was honored before and I really want to do the right thing by him but its so much. Im basically the keeper but its getting to be too much to bear but they depend on me to do it all. I love him but it feels like Im talking to someone beyond the grave and its very painful. There is so much to do but Im tired and I really have no excuse to be. Tons to put away more to clean somemore to move his affairs to put in order emotions to set ok and adjustments to make. Sometimes I feel like i wish I was able to be a machine Im too human and sometimes in all the bad ways. Argh!
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